Archive for March, 2009
Fridges, Walks & Kinky Harnesses
by Matt on Mar.25, 2009, under More Blogs
Good day one & all, or evening if you are reading this in the evening, or indeed… well you get the meaning I hope. Its another week & as such another update for this site, so hope that you enjoy the woes that are my existence.
Last week P got his vouchers for Sainsbury (I presume its not bad to advertise on here as its not the BBC is it). So off we went to Whitechapel, oh how I hate that place, to do our shopping. We had £150.00 (that’s sterling for those from abroad) to spend so me rubbing my hands in glee set off around the rather overcrowded aisles. I was merrily adding items that we ‘needed’, as was P. Imagine my shock & horror (& glee that I wasn’t paying) when the bill amounted to £253.00, how did we manage to spend that much, there are only 2 of us (we get Milo’s food elsewhere as he has a rather expensive natural food). So we got it all into the taxi & got it home. Me being masterful said to P, ‘okay you take Milo out & leave me to put the shopping away’ like I could do a better job! Well I spend the same amount of time in the kitchen as Fagin did in church, so didn’t know that you shouldn’t leave the fridge & freezer door open longer than a few minutes. I meticulously took everything out & then put it all back in its correct place, with the new items as well. It looks so neat & tidy (getting the impression I have a disorder here?) & everything easy to find. By this point, okay a long while before, P was back & our friend had arrived. I said ‘you know this red light wont go out on the fridge’. At which both of them said it was not normal as an hour or so had passed, so hunting through my forests of paperwork I went for the manual, which of course I couldn’t find, but I did find that I had, somewhat dumbly, bought an extended guarantee for the thing (despite as my step father later informed me it being fully insured, & the contents on my home insurance!). On the phone I got to the company who were absolutely useless.
Those who know me will attest that I am not too good with phone lines when they are useless, I tend to start enquiring of their skills, vocabulary, and parentage if you get the meaning. So our friend rang them & they informed him an engineer would call the next day to arrange an appointment, it couldn’t be today as it was to late now, though if the dumb bitch had acted when I first called it wouldn’t have been! So the next morning in comes P, pushes some button on the fridge & out goes the light, I felt about as tall as Mini Me!!!!
Last Friday was Milo’s check up at the vet. So the usual drama, from me not Milo, ensued ‘is his weight right, is he the right height, is he too skinny, he looked at me funny yesterday do you think he needs more training, what weight & height is ideal for his breed, is he eating too much, is P to soft with him?’ That was just as I was walking through the door! One of the reasons we went there was for his booster injection, it was quite amusing, well the vet thought so. Milo just stood there without a whimper & looking round the room whilst I looked away trembling & asking if it would hurt! Anyway, it turns out, you will all be relieved to hear, that he is in perfect health & doing very well, though I am not sure how qualified the vet is as I don’t think her observation skills are up to much as she suggested he might be (her words were is he is one of the most she knows) pampered! I blame P of course.
P & I rewarded Milo for being so good by taking him for a long walk up Regents Canal & Victoria Park. He generally loves that walk but oh I did pity him as P got it into his head he would train Milo whilst on the walk, too many Dog Whisperers being watched I feel. The poor dog couldn’t go three steps without P piping up ‘over this side Milo, sit Milo, back Milo, down Milo, do a fucking cartwheel Milo’ He didn’t know whether he was coming or going or whether this was a walk or a punishment, the latter it felt for me so fuck knows how Milo felt. But as you can see from the picture Milo proceeded to drown his sorrows, either that or he hoped the drink would blot out P & his ‘training!I am beginning to wonder if this is my blog or whether I am Milo’s private secretary & these are his memoirs. Especially as the next paragraph is also about him.
So to add insult to the injury, of his ears, the Saturday was hid bath day. As regular readers will know Milo is none to keen on water & so a bath is a dramatic, and for us, painful occurrence. Fortunately this time P came along so I managed to remain unscathed, whilst P & our best friend bathed & groomed Milo. As a reward for his good behaviour, well I didn’t get scratched, we took him for a long walk, where he decided to repay us for the bath, & would not come when called, howled when saw other dogs & generally misbehave. in future I will be bathing him! But all in all I was surprised as he only made the minimum of fuss about being bathed, whereas normally all hell breaks loose.
The DWP exhibited new height of incompetence & stupidity this week, & given their aptitude for theses that’s quite an accomplishment. I do not receive a penny in benefits, of any kind, but sign on as if I don’t it will affect my pension, when I retire, which is nearer than I would like. I had received a letter saying that I had missed my signing on & that I have to sign on at my designated time or they will not pay me. Pay me what the stupid dim witted twats……So I went there at my normal time this Monday, went dutifully to my signing point, with all the dregs, riff raff & idle gits. When it was my turn this ignorant peasant (how hard can that job be, getting someone to sign & noting it on a computer) told me UI had missed my last signing on & so my claim (what fucking claim) was cancelled, when I politely enquired how it can be classed a claim he just responded that I would have to re-claim, again I asked how it can be called a claim (I believe my wording was something like ‘do you actually understand English, the word claim would indicate I actually get any money, try looking at my records you idiot & you will surely agree that as I receive no money claim is in fact not a correct description, fucking fool’).
So home I walked, got on the phone & had to go through the whole fucking drama again, only to be told I had to go back to process the claim the next day. So yesterday I trudged down there again & started up my ‘claim’ again. What kind of a stupid system do we have in this bloody country? Fucking ludicrous.
Today Milo’s (yes we are back on the subject of Milo, well I managed a whole 2 paragraphs without mentioning him, a record isn’t it?) new posh lead came. My mum had bought him his posh collar, mentioned last week, which was imported from Australia. I decided that it would be lovely if he had a lead to match. I mentioned it to my mum (I actually dread mentioning anything to my mum as she is too kind & says will get, makes me feel so bad as I cant do 
the same in return at moment, & I don’t ask to get it) & she said she would get as she hadn’t got Milo anything from holiday, this being a three day break in Cornwall & from the woman who previously refused to like dogs & had no time for them, that’s how lovely little Milo is!!!! Anyway the lead arrived today. It is really nice. So P & I went to get a harness to fit it to, took an hour each way to get there though. So now the little rat looks very smart not to mention posh in his little collar & lead. I took the picture to show all what it looked like, & wanted P in the picture as well, but P decided to pose, & has unsuspectingly posed with the lead in such a way it looks a little like a kinky harness!!!
the same in return at moment, & I don’t ask to get it) & she said she would get as she hadn’t got Milo anything from holiday, this being a three day break in Cornwall & from the woman who previously refused to like dogs & had no time for them, that’s how lovely little Milo is!!!! Anyway the lead arrived today. It is really nice. So P & I went to get a harness to fit it to, took an hour each way to get there though. So now the little rat looks very smart not to mention posh in his little collar & lead. I took the picture to show all what it looked like, & wanted P in the picture as well, but P decided to pose, & has unsuspectingly posed with the lead in such a way it looks a little like a kinky harness!!!P has been off of work this week so we have actually spent time together, usually we don’t get much of a chance because of his job, its been great to be together & spend time doing stuff together rather than separately. We have been on walks, shopping for the aforementioned harness, food etc. He did say he was going to come with me on the morning walk, which I go to at 7.30 each morning, but to date has only managed to drag himself put of bed once! On that occasion he was late! We usually go on holiday at this time of year, last year was Malaysia (I so loved it as I tell anyone who will listen, well them listening is optional to me) but due to my being out of work we cant go this year year which was disappointing, but hey we are making the best of the situation & going out & enjoying the time.
That leads me quite neatly to my penultimate paragraph which is a begging one. I am now desperately despondent, awfully tired & depressed at not working so if anyone hears of any jobs going please can they let me know as I am now at the stage where the thought of being jobless & useless is driving me to hell & back, I thank you.
So the end of another blog comes, I do hope that it has been an enjoyable experience, hopefully a laugh or two as well. Thank you for reading & see you next week I hope.
PS. Note to a friend, no fucking mention of your misbehaving dogs this week 
Fish & Chips, Drinking & Sore Bum
by Matt on Mar.18, 2009, under More Blogs
Wow how nice has the weather been the past few days, well in London it has been anyway, it looks like Summer has come early. Though no doubt it will come & go in a week.
First of all I would like to give a sincere apology. A friend (so I am told) has informed me that it was obvious I was not on top form when I put my last blog online as it had spelling errors, so i duly apologise. Like I give a fuck!
Last week was quite nice as well, in fact my best friend (I of course use the word best in its loosest possible terms) went to West India Quay to the Lloyds bar to sit outside & enjoy a drink, I had lemonade (diet of course) & blackcurrant if you’re interested. We, with the ever present Milo, just chilled in the front of the bar for an hour. I was early for the movies so had the time to kill & to be honest it was rather a pleasant way to kill some time.Another fish & chip episode this week, but not a sign of dog vomit. Now I have this love, some would say obsession, for fish & chips. But I am fussy about how they are done. I like the chips (and I rarely eat chips at all) to be not soggy but nice & fluffy inside, but what I am very particular about is the fish. It has to be flaky fish, and the batter had to be light & not thick, kind of melt in your mouth batter. My best friend (again leading me astray) informed me that there was a Harry Ramsden at Euston station. So on the bus we three got, what a fucking journey, I should know better than to listen to my friend when he says he knows the best route. So we get there, my, & Milo’s, mouths a dribbling in anticipation, in goes my friend to get the fish & chips, both Milo & I at this point are straining on his leash. We get them outside, I am dying to dive in & soak up the smell & texture. The fucking things were only luke warm, how disappointed was I? Well enough to get my BB straight out & bang an email of complaint to the head office, to which I add I have not received a reply. So yet again disappointment, fucking franchises. So the search for decent fish & chips in London continues, please can anyone help?
Friday was Comic Relief, as I am sure you noticed. Is it me or was it not that funny this year? Yes I admit there were funny parts, I laughed out loud at Jack Dee arguing with Alan Sugars decision, but I am a Jack Dee fan, thought it was great the way he counters all the arguments, & then blamed the advisor. And yes Nan was hilarious, but then when isn’t she? But on the whole not up to the usual standards. French & Saunders were amusing where they are usually hilarious, Little Britain was pretty lame, never heard of some of the show. I know its for charity & I wholeheartedly agree with the causes, & indeed with Comic Relief, but why cant they make it um well comical!!!! Friday the Thirteenth it definitely was.
Sunday afternoon again saw me in bars, well technically outside bars. Again my best friend (I told you he is a bad influence, & an alcoholic to boot) took Milo out, while we waited to meet P, who was as usual at work. We went to the riverside, well Quayside of Canary Wharf, so suppose its wharf side then. We first went to one bar & I wanted a snack, but the kitchen was closed so I said lets go to the next bar, oh no its not serving food either says my friend. So there we sat enjoying the sun, well Milo was more walking around, fidgeting, playing than sitting there. I then got restless so we walked along a bit, low & behold the next bar was serving food, oh I announced, you said they were not serving food, idiot fool, I could have eaten hours ago. So I had to wolf a snack down, Milo kindly assisted me there, before we met P, & his work colleague to go to movies, yes again.
Today I had a semi good day, it started off horribly, namely I jogged & then went to the torture chamber they call the gym. But then my best friend & another friend came round & we decided to go for a long walk. Well I say we decided first I was terribly manly, the keyboard drawer on my desk was broken in that it had come off of its tracks (its a technical term) so I took the whole thing to pieces, which in reality is three pieces, & put it back in its tracks & then put it back together, my friend kind of hindered, though he called it helping. So, we decided to go for a walk, along the road we traipsed, to Regents Canal. Walked up there, though my friends, all bar one, buggered off on the way the lazy fuckers. My friend & I, with Milo loving it & bouncing all around us, ended up at Victoria Park, walked round there & had a thoroughly lovely afternoon, walked back & now he, Milo that is, has collapsed in his bed, I thought young dogs were supposed to be full of energy?
I have still been jogging each morning for half an hour, with my little furry friend, & much as I keep at it I am still lathing it, I am sure it cant be good for me as I perspire & run round & must look like an out of shape hot & sweaty marshmallow, its just not getting rid of the fat at all. Added to this pain I am still going to the gym most days, an hour of sheer torture & adulterated pain & discomfort, how people get addicted to it I cannot fathom, Muppets. It got worse yesterday as I put these swimming shorts on, first that came to hand, & got on my bike (did I mention I either cycle or walk everywhere as well? I do) so where I was again perspiring I (do not laugh, snigger or suggest any rude comments) chaffed my bum, so now I have this mark on each cheek that is the indentation of my saddle, so painful but worse embarrassing too.On that highly unpleasant note I leave you to enjoy your week & hope to see you here again next week. Love to all.
Football, Collars & Eating Crap
by Matt on Mar.11, 2009, under More Blogs
Good day, its nice & sunny out so I thought I would stay in & write this weeks Blog entry! Go figure!
Well lat Wednesday our friend & hairdresser came round, its not two people, its the same one! My hair was at that stage, again, where it wouldn’t go into style, well technically it would but the style it went into was bloody awful & I looked like a banshee. So I had it cut, so now it looks a lot better, is quite short, & goes into shape a lot easier. P also had his hair done, so we both look rather groomed & styled, well he more than I of course.
Last Thursday a friend was due to come round, just to catch up, at 18:00, he is normally late but last week was a record, 20:15 he got here. I know he is ginger, and Canadian but surely two & a half hours s extreme even given those disabilities! Still it was really god to see him as he is a really good friend. He is having boyfriend, or not having a decent one to be precise, issues. How to get rid of one when you are a complete wimp!!!!
My mum & step dad came on Saturday, so that was really good, its always great to see them. The big news, and no doubt astounding for most people, is that I went with my step dad, to a football match. Stop sniggering & pick your jaws up, yes I went & actually I rather enjoyed it. I had a good time there & really enjoyed the atmosphere, was good. I even will happily go again. Of course the fact that there were lots of nice guys there helped me to enjoy it. Only downside was that we (why do football fans say we, like they are p[art of the team, on the pitch, that would be funny given the state of half the fat fucks) were playing Brighton team & this guy behind us kept shouting ‘Brighton bum boys’ this I managed to keep my calm & not retort to, though was dying to say something about the fact that he needn’t worry being the incarnation of John Merrick with breath like Milo’s farts. My step dad afterwards said he was dreading me turning round & being my usual tactful & diplomatic self!In the evening we all stayed in, my mum, stepdad, P, our best friend, Milo & I & had Chinese, food not person. That was nice, it was cool to eat, & chat whilst we chilled. We did attempt to watch a DVD but gave up that idea as the act of staying quiet for more then 3 minutes was impossible for my mum
I am still doing my jogging each morning with young Milo, and still hating it. Why I ask every morning, is it not getting any easier but still a chore which I loathe. I am also still attending the gym, and half killing myself there. So why am I still a budding Jabba the Hut? Its not fair as I am exercising so much that I should have the trouser size of Kate Moss, not Robbie Coltrane.
Milo has had a spoilt week this week, well lets face it most weeks are like that for him. He was taken round 
the shops with my mum, P & best friend on Saturday, Sunday he had a long walk, Yesterday I took him out for 2 hours. My mum had bought him a collar fro Christmas but it was too big so she said we should choose one for him. Well it took P this long to get around to choosing one but we did eventually find one we liked. It was ordered & we waited for it to arrive, it was coming from Australia, it came yesterday. Milo loves it & as you can see from the picture, he is enjoying posing in it. But at least he is being a good boy, & not eating pooh!!! His little friends are trying to convert him to their organic diet of horse crap but Milo being a little angel is still insisting on real (& he tells me preferably expensive) food & treats.
the shops with my mum, P & best friend on Saturday, Sunday he had a long walk, Yesterday I took him out for 2 hours. My mum had bought him a collar fro Christmas but it was too big so she said we should choose one for him. Well it took P this long to get around to choosing one but we did eventually find one we liked. It was ordered & we waited for it to arrive, it was coming from Australia, it came yesterday. Milo loves it & as you can see from the picture, he is enjoying posing in it. But at least he is being a good boy, & not eating pooh!!! His little friends are trying to convert him to their organic diet of horse crap but Milo being a little angel is still insisting on real (& he tells me preferably expensive) food & treats.I am still unemployed or should that be unemployable! The job market is still kicking me in the head & making me feel frustrated & demoralised, it all seems to get so much worse & I feel completely depressed & useless.
That is all for this week, hope to see you here next week. Be nice everyone.
Gym & Vomit
by Matt on Mar.04, 2009, under More Blogs
I often find that when I am jogging round the park (& despite what one friend says I do jog round) with Milo beside me, or on the treadmill at the gym, or exercising on the machines, as I sweat, or as my dad always insisted, perspire, having a stitch, loathing the fact that it is half killing me, I look down & think, why the fuck do I do this, I am still a fat pig!!!!
Last Saturday my best friend & I decided to go to Pets At Home, what a disaster that was. Firstly we, okay that’s not true, he decided & with his record of short cuts that take hours, going somewhere & takes forever I should not have listened. But he decided we should go to the Charlton branch. We stood at the bus stop, well Milo played & annoyed all & sundry to my great delight, for over 20 minutes & no bus came. At the point that one came & it was packed so couldn’t get on I made a decision, along the lines of ‘why the fuck do I bother to listen to you, will I never learn you’re an idiot, lets go to the Beckton branch’. So we pottered to the nearest bus stop to go there. Get there we did.
I got the dry shampoo & coat conditioner that we went there for, as well as to give Milo an excuse to do what he enjoys, jump up people, sniff through bags, claw at them, steal treats. I also got this training spray. Milo has this awful habit of squealing & crying if he is on the lead & cannot go to talk to a dog he see;’s. The noise is so bad that I have actually been accused of hitting him in the past. So this spray is something that when he is doing his horrific version of dying you spray & the noise is supposed to scare him into stopping him. The thing is it works but he makes this face, his upper gums go up, he glares at you as if you’re the devil and looks as if he is going to tear your throat out (those who know him will agree this is far fetched as he wouldn’t know how to be aggressive if you gave him step by step instructions). So its a task to act serious whilst he makes this face.
The journey home was certainly eventful. My friend bought some fish & chips from this horrible looking place, just by Greengate. He said they didn’t taste nice & I agreed, unfortunately this was after letting Milo taste them. So we were on the bus, my friend in front seat, Milo & I on seat behind, Milo had decided all that annoying people & breaking into bags had tired him out so he was lying asleep on my lap. All of a sudden he sits up, leans forward & with no sound at all vomited all over my friends shoulder. It was so funny as he then lay back down again, well I thought it was funny.Turned out that my friend spent that night, & most of next day on toilet, so must have been the fish & chips!
Am having hair cut later so will put picture up of that if its not to much of a disaster!
That’s about it for this week, very short & sweet, seen few movies though so you can see the reviews on the movie page. Not been doing much as getting rather tired of not working.
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