Matt Unplugged

Archive for May, 2009

Parks, Dinner Party & Matt Milan

by Matt on May.27, 2009, under More Blogs

Hello one & all, how are we this week? Been a bit of a quiet one for me, but I don’t want to disappoint you all so will give you an update.

I have as usual been attempting to kill my self by going to the torture chamber almost everyday, on the days I cant find a good enough excuse to avoid it. I am convinced its working, I am not the lithe person I once was but at the same time I am not mistaken for Jabba The Hut quite as often as I use to be. I also notice that jeans that I use to use a shoe horn to get into actually fit now & one pair I even needed a belt with, rather than the belt having no function other than to accessorise my jeans. So it must be heading in the right direction.
 
Last Saturday P & I, & of course the little angel that is Milo, went to Hyde Park to meet a friend. pHadn’t seen her for a while as she has a boyfriend now so we are put to the back of her shelf of friends. On the way P wanted to go & get a few bits, picnic type things, from the Supermarket, so we stopped off at Sainsbury in Mayfair, I had to wait outside as the bastard animal haters wouldn’t let Milo in. Bloody hell how can P manage to take quite so long getting a total of about 5 objects, over 20 minutes we stood outside, I am convinced that most people thought I was a homeless beggar & using Milo as a ploy to get more money. But we did eventually get to the park & it was really good to see our friend as I like spending time with her. We had walked to the park as well so by the end of the day we were exhausted, poor little Milo fell asleep on the bus on the way back, but still made sure that he lay on the seat & pushed J & I aside so he had enough space!!!
 
Sunday was really nice weather wise, I fact it was the hottest day of the year. So we got in touch with some friends & surprise surprise arranged to meet them at Hyde Park, our originality really ismilo4 astounding & genius. But instead of walking there we took the bus, you have to hate London Transport. It actually took as long as the previous day to get there, wonderful. But we met our friends & had a great time, its always good to catch up with friends I think, and especially enjoyable when you can just chill & chat (well as much as able when Milo is insisting on having attention, the ball thrown for him, trying to get to your food, jumping after your Frisbee etc). Its also always nice to spend some time with P as we really don’t get enough time together at all. Both P & I got quite a tan as well, I say that but of course the only problem is that we have marks as had T Shirts on so we now have brown faces, arms & half our legs!!!
 
Yesterday was nice, despite a rocky start. Our friends had invited us to dinner, P had re-arranged the time so as he could make it on time. We were to meet at 6.45 at the tube station. P, no matter how many times I ask, no matter how I ask, is always making us late. So at 7.20 he turns up, making me feel like a complete twat, not only was I standing there like a cunt on my own but it meant we were late.
 
But when we did get there it was a jolly nice time. Despite us having to go to zone 4, practically in Essex, passport control was a bugger. Then I led us up the wrong road so we had to backtrack to get onto the right route. But a warm welcome was waiting as indeed were understanding friends. So all in all we had a really pleasant evening. Its hard to get P out after work so it was exceedingly nice to actually spend a evening with him (& friends) without fucking television on with complete shit playing at top volume driving me fucking mad. So a big thank you to our friends for a lovely evening.
 
I have been playing, well not playing as I have been highly successful, at dog trainer. As most know I walk Milo each morning at about 7.30 (how dedicated am I), and he plays with Stan (well Stansid bullies my little treasure) & his brother is Sid, who barks at all dogs, wont come back & eats anything, including shit. The eating shit I wont begin to tackle but I have been working at stopping the constant barking, and he is getting better even if I do say so. It is purely a selfish reason that I am undertaking this daunting task as it will save my ears, as I will not have his Mum screeching in a high pitched, fish wife like tones ‘SID, fucking come ere’ (in a cockney accent, bit like Peggy Mitchell slumming it after taking helium).
 
And finally my ailment for the week, I am convinced I am falling to pieces. A few years ago I dislocated my thumb & now occasionally it plays up (if anyone out there knows about these things can you let me know if this is normal?). It throbs & hurts, which isn’t great when I need to go to the Torture Chamber.
 
And so my lovely readers I thank you for your avid attention & look forward to seeing you here again next week.
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Ear Ache, Race & Grooming

by Matt on May.20, 2009, under More Blogs

So another update is upon us, so lets get started shall we?

It is no wonder that the country is in the state that is currently if the DWP is anything to go by. I had to go there last Thursday, to sign on but also as there is this new scheme whereby if you have been unemployed for over 13 weeks (I am kind of guessing that since last July is over 13 weeks!) you can get half price Oyster on bus fares. So in I went, at a most awkward time, mid afternoon. Only for the officer to tell me that I wasn’t eligible. A month or so ago I missed signing on as went a day late, regular readers will remember my rant about it. This resulted in them stopping my claim & starting it the next week, so apparently this means it is a new claim, so I cant get the discounted bus fares. How crap is this system we have to work with, twats.

Last week I had bad toothache, which I am pleased to report is now better. This week it was my ears, I am convinced that I am either cursed or a walking ailment, more than likely its the stress I am subjected to. I woke last Friday with bad earache, was so painful. Fortunately I have a good doctor surgery, rather a rarity in London, my last one was completely rubbish whose medical knowledge I think he got from watching Young Doctors and such like. So I was told by the doctor to go to the surgery & she would see me. So down I hobbled (no idea why other than it felt right to hobble to a doctor). It was the usual case of inflamed ear canal (I have had it before) so she prescribed me ear drops, which I have been taking. Fortunately the pain went within a day so all is better again, wonder what next weeks ailment will be!!

Saturday saw me doing my do gooder bit for charity. I volunteered at the Race For Life, the Regents Park one. I have volunteered to do about four over the season, how good a person am I? It was all very well when I volunteered as you racedo it online, all seemed easy. What I neglected to do (e.g. I didn’t think it through properly) was properly think it through as you need to be there at about 6.00, in the fucking morning, which meant getting up at fucking 4.00 in the morning. So up at the crack of dawn I was and off out to be a good person. I was a little disappointed as it meant of course that I couldn’t take Milo for his morning walk & meant that I was away from him for half a day. I have to say that after the fright of not having ,Milo at my side & the fact that there were bats flying when I left the house, I really had a good time, the people were friendly too. Obviously you had the couple who really loved being a race marshall & would have had an orgasm if you had given them a clipboard!!! But I am really glad that I volunteered as not only was it fun but you actually feel you are doing something worthwhile with your time. If I still feel the same when have to get up at 4.00 next week I cannot say.

Sunday was rather pleasant but unusual. I actually had the day to myself with nothing to do, so I sat down & watched DVD’s & read for the day. I have to say it was so good for me, took the stress away & relaxed me quite a bit.

Monday afternoon I had an interview for a job at the BBC. After my dummy interview & advice from my friend (the farting in the cinema one) I went in there with a fresh outlook. What also helped was that Chuckles was emailing me beforehand giving me advice & a pep talk in his very own unique branded way, which surprisingly helped loads. So I went to the interview, it was in Current Affairs & I had tried to do research but when I called the switch board they couldn’t tell me who was head of, idiots, didn’t bode well at all, so research was rather difficult. But onwards I went. I really surprised, or surpassed even, myself as I remained calm, wasn’t too nervous, answered all the questions & think I did rather well. Which I would imagine means I completely fucked it up & mis-read the situation, tune in (BBC – tune in, get it?) next week to see the result, failure I would imagine.

Yesterday it was Milo’s (yes we are back to talking about Milo) grooming. It didn’t start well as when we left to get to the station, we walk up the canal to Mile End station (for those wanting to stalk me) it was raining. Those of you who beforeknow Milo knows that this meant I was forced (in that he refused to move & just sat there afterlooking sad eyes at me) to carry him until it stopped raining. We eventually got to the station & got him in one piece. My best friend came with me, so after we dropped Milo off, & heard him crying for me, we had an hour & a half to kill. Off to the local high street we walked, high street is in fact stretching the imagination, I hadn’t eaten so we looked for somewhere for lunch., We picked badly as went to this cafe that was busy, which I usually take as a good sign, though it transpired not in this case. I ordered an all day breakfast & he a burger & chips. The breakfast came, the bacon was undercooked, the mushrooms were a tad greasy, tomato was under grilled, egg yokes were nice but whites bit too soft for me, the accompanying milk was room temperature when I like it cold. My friends burger looked a little unhealthy too, & he said it wasn’t nice, being a northerner he is an expert in these matters. Milo had not been groomed for three months & when we picked him up the difference was astounding, he looked so different, but of course adorable, to the left is before the right is after.

Today a friend came round this morning & annoyed the hell out of me. I was trying to concentrate on filling in job applications but it was quite a trial as he kept twattering (yes I meant to spell it like that) on in my ear fucking up my concentration.

I have as ever been going to the torture chamber, cycling, walking & watching my diet, fucking hating it more with every minute. But it seems to be paying off (the paying is my sweat, & pain) as people have been commenting (after much hinting & harassment) that I am looking slimmer & in better shaped, which I take to mean slim & toned!!!!

Usual hello to Sid (the gannet) & Stan (the bully) though don’t know why when they are neglecting my angel quite often of late.

See you for another week xxxx

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Toothache & TV Show

by Matt on May.13, 2009, under More Blogs

Is it me or are the weeks going rather quickly lately? Seems just yesterday I was putting my weekly update up here & yet here I am again today, a week had gone by.

Last Thursday I woke with agonising tooth ache, is there any other kind? So I called my dentist who is great, in my opinion, even more great now. They fittedtooth1 me in that morning so off I cycled (yes, still cycling wherever possible) down to the practice. It turns out that I have a wisdom tooth that they have been saying I should have taken out, me being a complete wimp who is scared of any type of pain, & needles, has put it off, anyway, the tooth has infected the gums. So I had to have anti biotic. The only plus side to the agonising pain was that I couldn’t go to the gym as felt in agony. So I stayed in bed all of Friday & caught up on DVD’s. I have to admit that catching up on movies in bed almost made the pain worth while, in fact I wouldn’t mind doing that on a regular basis.

Sunday was rather nice, and fortunately P (or PJ as Chuckles calls him, due to J being called J but I call him P, I guess its an American thing). So as we tend to when its nice, & as we all enjoy it. We got the young man known as Milo ready (it is astounding how much we need to take out for him, its worse than a baby, treats, water, his water puddle to put water in, ball, pooh bags, and all other amounts of rubbish that he needs, and wants). I digress, as usual, off we went down to Shadwell Basin which is really nice, walked along the canal, o not Regents, a different one. Up to St Katherine’s Dock we went & to Starbucks, I had a Berry Macho or something, not sure what its called but it tasted rather nice, must have smelt it too as Milo was practically climbing up my leg to get to it.

By Monday I was still suffering (me being me I was suffering in silence & taking the pain like a man, not complaining at all!!!!) so on the phone I got again to the dentist, then on my bike to go see her. She gave me this antiseptic mouth wash as well as a different course of antibiotics. Well I wish she hadn’t bothered with the pills, clearly they didn’t agree with me. I had a very bad reaction, I was on the toilet for hours, I have no idea where it all came from, I thought that I must be empty hours before it stopped. I can only thank the lord for my Blackberry, what I would have done without it I have no idea, died of boredom if the pain wasn’t keeping me alive. But whatever it was it did the trick & my tooth stopped hurting, funny remedy though, shit the pain out!

Yesterday a couple of friends & I went to see the Justin Lee Collins show being filmed. It was rather good fun, though jlc1I, with my usual flair, have some pointers for Justin Lee Collins. The show isn’t as polished & professional as other chat shows, and Justin himself doesn’t interact with the audience as much as other hosts do, he should really work on this. He also comes across as a tad wooden so needs to relax a bit. I was quite disappointed as really like him & think his personality is a lot nicer than other chat show hosts (Ross). But it was more than made up for when his first guests came out, McFly, oh wow, gee are they, well okay two of them, hot, they have obviously been on diets & in the gym, lets face it they were rather porky before, but now, they look good. Douggie is my particular favourite, & its nice to see he seemed quite sweet (wouldn’t mind tasting to find out). so it was a good show, it was of course undoubtedly helped by the fact that I went along with some nice friends.

Today (after they torture session) I went to see my friend at lunchtime, her lunchtime not mine obviously. Went as needed advice on interviews & how not to fuck them up, as I am prone to do, and it goes without saying it was good to see her (luckily we were not in a cinema so she didn’t fart, well I don’t think so). Don’t ask me how but she had managed to smash her phone, she was using it with no front & he screen hanging off, like how embarrassing, anyways I did my good deed for the day (though I am going to use it for the rest of the month) & let her use my handset, so I was with only my BB for the day, can you imagine how naked (rather foolish on Oxford Street) I felt. But she made me realise where I am going wrong in interviews & so hopefully I can work o that & be better when I have a job interview.

Have of course been out each morning walking the lovely Milo, with his two best friends Sid & Stan (they get upset if I don’t mention them) so that has been fun, would be even more so if not at such an ungodly hour of the morning.

A rather short one this week due to my being in with toothache. But hope to see you here again next week, love & peace abound.
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Old Friends & Scans

by Matt on May.06, 2009, under More Blogs

Hello all, another entry here on the rapidly becoming popular blog, its mid-week so time I sat & updated this.

Last Thursday was rather fun, well after the first part. I had to go & sign on, which regular readers will know I loathe. You would think I would be getting use to it, but how can you get use to going somewhere & having to endure the scum of the east (& there is stiff competition believe me) along with the idiot officers who have one CSE between them but as they are behind a desk think that they are Einstein incarnate. So went & sat, managed to make it through the ordeal without calling anyone a twat (out loud at least) & managed not to rub against any of the common folk, again a plague of whom were there.

I then came back & collected Milo as we were going out for the day. Out where you cry, well yell I would imagine, patience & I will divulge. So I perambulated (look it up, you know who you are) home to get him. We then headed for Waterloo, we got the waterloo & City line. I told Milo to sit on the floor & being the doting dog he looked at me as he jumped up & sat on the seat next to me, then looked as if to say ‘what, I am where I should be fool’. We then got on a train, I looked for a seat & there was only one, it was a table of four & only one lady (I say lady but mean twat of course) on it. So I sat down, Milo sat down on the ground (I had rather cunningly sat on the outside seat so he couldn’t get to the other) at which point the dumb bitch opposite me got up & said ‘I am allergic to dogs’. I got up & politely called her a stupid cow & walked away, to stand for the journey. I had several issues, why did I pick the only person who was (allegedly) allergic to dogs, why did she need to announce it (as if I cared if she swelled up & died), why she was sitting expecting to have four seats to herself, yes she had a fat ass but it didn’t warrant four seats.

So arrive in Woking we did. I have to say am jolly glad that I did make the effort as we were there to see friends who I hadn’t seen for ages, Milo hadn’t seen them at all, but he doesn’t  seem to have the inhibitions (another for C to look up) or shyness that people do, so got right in & had a ball. It has been about a year since I had seen my friends so we had a lot of catching up to do. A lovely lunch was prepared, was absolutely delicious, so scrumptious, with home made brownies, how yummy is that then? They have two children, I didn’t realise that children grew so quickly, they are really shooting up (as in growing not taking drugs). They had a great time with Milo, it was very amusing as the little boy was running, Milo was chasing him & he was being chased by the young lady, it was like a slap stick comedy. All in all I had a really nice day & it was super to catch up, makes me realise that its not good to not see friends as often as one can.

As if to prove a point, the next day P was off, & so we went to the West End to meet friends for Dim Sum (that’s Chinese delicacies not a friend who doesn’t know what words mean) & lets see if you can guess which friends we were meeting then? Anyone? No one? Want to give up then? I had better tell you them, it was the friends whom I had gone to see the previous day. My friend loves Dim Sum, in fact he likes most Chinese dishes, & will talk (bore you) about Chinese tea for ages, in fact he will have you walking round shop after shop to find a particular one for him. Isn’t this bloody typical, I like the food there a lot but my favourite is sweet & sour pork, so P ordered it, along with about twenty other dishes, of all the dishes ordered guess which one the fuck wit waiter forgot? Yep you got it my sweet & sour pork, so Little P had to get them to bring it. But a lovely meal was had by all, I thoroughly enjoyed it & of course having it with friends made it all the better. Bloody hell, I am being nice, must have swine flu.

In the early evening P  & I took Milo for a walk in the park, that was fun as its not often that we get to walk together, as P works long hours. So it was all in all a most enjoyable day, hurrah.

On Saturday morning I met another friend (who coincidentally I hadn’t seen for a while as well, nice to have a theme in the blog don’t youwicked_witch think). She works at the place I use to work at, where I was treated like shit & sooo unhappy, to add insult to injury there was a person there who was back stabbing everyone (yes including me it transpires) to worm & wheedle her way into a good position (on the end of a noose in my opinion). So my friend wanted to meet as she had good news. The back stabbing conniving bitch has been sacked (yeay the wicked witch is dead) so that was good, but wait there was more, it gets better & better, but like eating chocolate. It seems that the president of the company (a self obsessed, self seeking, rude, arrogant, no talent cunt (as you can see I adore her)) is having financial problems, probably as she has no talent anymore, so is worried that she will lose everything (there is a god after all, either that or voodoo dolls really work) . So my fingers are crossed for that. But other than that it was great to see my friend again, she is really nice person & very easy to talk to.

In the afternoon my best friend & I took Milo for a long walk up the canal, another regular outing that we take, I like to take this walk as you jan-09-0291get to see other dogs, which makes Milo very happy, but its also nice & peaceful (apart from the bloody bikes ding dinging their fucking bells) so gives one time to think as you walk, which of course is good exercise too, an all round boon then.  We also took him on the same walk on Sunday which he enjoyed. I dread to think that he is going to be like when I get a job as he cant have all these two & three hour walks daily when I am working. He will no doubt sulk & make us aware of his displeasure in his own unique style. I blame P as he spoils him too much, he isn’t as firm as I am, I never let Milo get away with anything & am very strict with him.

Monday daytime guess where I went, you got it, up the canal & through Victoria Park again, so three days in a row of long walks for Milo, no wonder he has a permanent smile on his face lately.

Monday evening P & I went over to see a friend. He lives in Plaistow, its so rough there, even the arms of the chairs have tattoos, its quite scary, even if you’re a chav you walk with caution there. But it has to be said that my friend has done great things with his house. He has had a new kitchen fitted (he is doing the whole house gradually). The kitchen is awesome its really nice, very well thought out, & looking really good. He has also had the bathroom done, though done it temporarily to have done permanently later (I don’t get that either, go figure) but the shower is to die for, so cool. We had gone there hoping to go to this Thai cafe that is near him (in fact that’s the only reason P came along at all) but it transpires that its closed on a Monday so that was a pisser. Its always good to catch up with friends though, & I have known him for almost twenty years, well if honest is probably a little more than. So that’s quite some time to be friends, so we always get along & have a nice time. Seeing him is my bit for the community as he is not only Canadian but ginger to boot, poor chap you have to feel for him don’t you, cant be at all easy for him. But he copes well given all that  he has to live with, I couldn’t manage with those issues to contend with.

Yesterday I went for coffee with my friend, the one that I catch up with each month, its really nice to see him as we have known each other for quite a while & as much as I am loathed to admit it he is someone I would consider a good friend, indeed I do consider him as such. Made me laugh yesterday, I was talking & he asked what a word meant (idiosyncratic I think) & as I explained the definition he asked what the word I was using to explain meant, at that point I gave up & accepted the fact that not every one is articulate & eloquent (more words to look up) but quite simply with some people it is better to ration the words of more than two syllables.

So today was fun!!! A couple of weeks ago I had a lump, or what I thought was, in a personal place, my testicle. Now being down to earth & not prone to drama I ambled along to the doctor (well rushed) to insist that I had contracted an incurable disease. The Doctor had a feel (she called it examination but I could tell she was really looking for an excuse) & said that it seemed fine, maybe a slight cyst (so not fine then) & that I should go for a ultra sound scan. That was today, so off I trotted, with a great deal of trepidation & dread, not to mention fear. The doctor was rather understanding, an older guy so that was spooky. He scanned me & said that it was all clear & that I am healthy. Not one to be deterred I asked if he was sure I didn’t have cancer or something, why don’t I learn to keep my stupid gob shut? He turned the screen round & began to show me each & every centimetre of the the scan of my testicles, worse he insisted on describing it to me as well. I am rather squeamish so have learnt a valuable lesson: don’t ask doctors such questions, believe what they say.

So as ever this past week I have been attending the gym, otherwise known as the torture chamber. I didn’t realise so much sweat could come out of one person as it does out of me. It has to be the most arduous & painful couple of hours of my day, I think its a conspiracy between the gyms & confectionary makers to make people really suffer, & they succeed. But it seems that at long last it is actually having the desired affect, not me in agony, as several people have commented I look healthier. So I am, grudgingly, going still, in fact I am dumb enough to even feel guilty if I don’t go one day.

I have purposely not mentioned the miscreant, nerdowell dogs this week as feel that I should not be so unkind to them. Even though though do pick o the little cherub of ours, & they do go through bins the way most people go through a full fridge, and yes okay they do yap & bark at all & sundry, I admit they also stress their lovely, divine mummy out. But I still think they deserve a break for a week, this is confounded by the fact that it is Sid’s birthday this week, well yesterday. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY SID. Hope you enjoy your birthday, you had better as back to normal next week :-)

So after my continual chatter about Twitter one person has joined, so what the hell is stopping the rest of you? It is far more enjoyable, less frustrating & easier than Scrapbook so come on all of you lets see you on there.

Finally I have been accused (by he himself so not sure it counts) of not being nice to a very dear (well he is rather cheap actually) & much worshipped (by himself) friend, one who without him you would not be able to read, & immensely enjoy, this blog, so here publically (& it can be edited out later) I would like to say that Chuckles is immensely & utterly nice & indeed lovely.

Same time & same place next week then.
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