Matt Unplugged

So the last entry of the year is here, at last you say!

Lets start with Christmas day. So I awoke all excited, like a rather juvenile idiot (the irony isn’t t lost) expecting to open presents, this is after I had walked the Rat, but the P dropped the clanger ‘lets wait until your mum ids here tomorrow’ he said ‘lets not’ I retorted, as ever the man of the house won, sop we left the presents until the next day. Still I had the dinner to look forward to, and Dr Who. The dinner was delicious, we had goose, as was the Dr! I had a really nice chilled out day, surprisingly, not so sure those around me shared the tranquillity!

On Boxing day mayhem hit the flat, in the form of my mum & step father, I do love my mum but even I have a problem to get a word in (in fact at one point I said to P that did he notice Dave was even quieter than usual when mum is there, without missing a pause he replied ‘Cos he cant get a word in’) But the fact remains that I do have to concede it was fantastic to see them, as indeed it always is. We had a great time opening presents, they loved all we got them (the praise should however go to P as he chose them) and we loved all they got us. P I have to say excelled as he got me this shirt which is awesome and I really like. We had said we will take them to our favourite Chinese restaurant that evening as a Happy Birthday (was their birthdays the previous week, they were supposed to come then but the weather let them down, well that and the fact their car is crap in the cold weather). But alas the place was closed, upon searching for a restaurant it seemed that there were hardly any open, why its called the hospitality industry I cannot fathom as there was no room in the Inn at all! So we (well P) had this great idea lets go to the O2, so onto the DLR we jumped and off we went.

I hadn’t realised but my Mum & Johnny had not been there before, Johnny it has to be said was mesmerised, either by my charm or the O2 not quite sure which, Mum loved it there (more space for her voice to echo in!!!). Even there quite a few of the restaurants were not open, so we looked round and decided ion a Brassiere there. I have to say that I was sceptical as didn’t like the look of the menu at first but the food we all ordered was really nice and we all enjoyed it. We had a little set to before we got there though, there is a winter fun fair thing there and one of the attractions (I use the word as loosely as it can be used) was a giant snow globe where you go in and the polystyrene snow flies round you. Johnny went to take a picture of it (well no accounting for taste) and this little spectacle wearing geeky looking idiot came up and said we couldn’t take a picture of it (this is after we had done so) I, not being able to keep my mouth shut, said why not as its a public space (due to the fact its a public attraction) and that only the O2 staff could ask us not to, his idiotic retort was that the globe was patented, after I had stopped laughing I told him that the globe being patented means no one can make another it doesn’t mean that you cant photograph it, to which he said well his boss said we couldn’t. So after I had cleared up the mess from crapping myself at this scary threat I was my usual diplomatic self and called him a useless cunt, at this point my mum said perhaps it wasn’t with the effort so lets move on!

They stayed over at David’s flat, so we had the enviable (questionable) pleasure of having Dave stay here at our flat. So the parents descended upon us the next day as well, they got here and then sat down and made me sit there as they watched Coronation Street, how fucking boring. What the hell is wrong with iPlayer? I hate television and don’t really watch the soaps so saw this as a complete waste of time. Still we had a lovely couple of days with them and I am looking forward to spending a weekend at their place in January, so I can reek havoc ion their place as they have on ours

The rest of the festive period has really been spent staying in, walking that Rat, chilling and eating and drinking far too much, so I am afraid not too much to report, terribly sorry a\bout that I do promise to try harder in future to do any old crap so as I have something to write about to pad this pile of shit I call writing (you know doubt call ramblings of a mad man) out to take up far more of your valuable time to reads.

As always I must say, and mention, the astoundingly, wonderfully cool and danceable Boom!”!! You have subscribed right? Its the coolest thing of 2009 and set to take that forward to 2010, a big Kudos and massive thanks to Chuckles for making 2009 100% musically amazing and advance thanks for keeping me chair jiggling in 2010.

T has been as lovely as ever and its a delight to walk round the park each morning with her, listening to her moan about whatever poor soul has upset her the previous day. But its still fantastic to see her and she gets my rather dull day, off to a bright and happy start. So a big kiss to her, well air kiss maybe.

See you all next year, with my fondest thoughts are of course with you, enjoy a very drunken and merry New Years Eve.

Hello, this is the last blog entry before Christmas, well that’s quite obvious really isn’t it as its Christmas tomorrow, and yes I have already been nagged (thanks T) for being a whole day late with this weeks entry, well cold turkey can end right now as here it is:

If this entry jumps about a bit and seems erratic then please excuse me but there is a really good reason, I am listening to the Christmas Boom, and its only 3 minutes in but already am loving it, am literally jigging and chair dancing whilst I type this. Note to self, call and creep round Chuckles for a copy of it!!!! You have to hear this I am telling you its awesome, I am so bouncy right now.

Last Friday my little angel (that would be Milo then) had his monthly hair cut and bath. I had to go straight from work so I met him at the groomers, he was so happy to see me when I got there, just before he did, but then soon calmed down and hid when he saw where we were. I have to say though, and the groomer does agree (so for once its not just me being the ‘doting dad’) that he really is getting much better, he use to fight, struggle, claw and make a complete fuss all through the whole process. Now all he does is stand there, dripping wet, looking completely forlorn and sorry for himself, he looks as if to say, ‘daddy how could you sit and watch me being tortured and abused this way’ you really would think the groomer were pulling his nails out the way he looks. He also whines and cries for the full hour plus as if to ensure that we don’t forget the arduous experience he is having to endure and go through. But we are back with the groomer who always use to look after Milo (City East Groomer) and Mark is especially good with Milo and I always know that he is taking good care of him.

After Rat Boy had been pampered (or I his terms abused beyond all recognition) I had friends coming round, neigh exceptional friends (I have to say that else I will get a real headache in the morning from T) friends that are worth their weight in gold (fools gold!!!). We were meeting at our flat as I wanted to show off the new flavour coffees that I had got from Nespresso, so yummy, can you believe this, the flavours are: Apricot, Spiced Gingerbread and Chestnut, they are dreamy and delightful. So why were you all meeting at your flat you ask? Because we were all going to eat at the Prospect of Whitby (yes the place is becoming an obsession) it was a group event, not of the kinky type either. It was of course P and I, as well as T, her quiet little friend, the tranny and the trannys latest well person as I wouldn’t call him a bloke!!!! We had a really good time though as it was nice to sit and chat. Though a few of us who shall remain nameless (T, P and I, sounds like an (alphabet exercise doesn’t it, I really am so discreet)) were wondering why the trannys friend kept fiddling with himself, I said crabs, T said itchy and P just wanted to know why. It turns out that he was wearing nylons under his trousers (now see why I didn’t call him a bloke) I am so glad I didn’t know at the time as I wouldn’t have stopped laughing.

Saturday was kind of nice as P and I had a lie in, after I had taken the Rat out of course, don’t want to be accused of abuse or cruelly to babies. Also my Mum and Johnny were supposed to visit for the weekend but were unfortunately snowed in, though I got calls at 10 minute intervals on the weather update so it was as if she were there, it was also like working for the bloody Met office! So we had a lie in and then went shopping for a few bits that we needed to get, we ended up getting a few extra bits for Mum and Johnny for Christmas as well, how good are we. It was awful though as the shops were so crowded, how the hell its civilised I will know. I was quite aghast as the thing P was most pleased with was the toilet seat that we brought, he couldn’t wait to get home and fit it, well watch me fit it!

Sunday was in fact a very special day as it was not only my Mums birthday but she shares it with Milo, so its two for one day. That made it all the more the pity that they couldn’t get here, but alas these things cannot be helped. So we celebrated Milo’s birthday with him, he had a special dinner of fresh chicken, which lasted about 5 seconds before he was looking demanding his pudding and wanting to know where the trimming s were. He also opened his presents for us all. He got a lovely parka from us and some yummy chews from his aunty David, he is eagerly awaiting granny and gramps coming as then he will get another present.

So Sunday you will not believe where I went, I find it hard to imagine myself and I was there so know its true. We actually went to a carol service, it was the first time I had been in a church for quite a few years, I suppose being an atheist has something to do with that! P wanted to go so I agreed, after T had said she was going. So the devils spawn, evil benders went into the house of God, and despite my reservations I didn’t fall into an eternal pit of fire, mores the pity as would have been a whole lot warmer. But I do admit that I did quite enjoy it as I do like to listen to choirs and it sounded lovely. We even went to the rectory (poofs in the rect….  no lets not go there) afterwards and had wine and nibbles, well I had wine and P had nibbles with the good people of the church. I do though have recommendations for the carol service next year so hope these will be addressed: less of the readings of religious stuff as its a  bit boring, less, well no prayers as that’s a bit cult like for my liking, more upbeat carols, maybe a guitar or something, and a bigger choir please, finally let me bring Milo as I think he would enjoy it as well. But the church is a lovely building, I really liked it and think that when I win the lottery I will but it and turn it into a house.

On Monday I had a dentist appointment but just with the hygienist so no anaesthetic was required, well the dentist said not but I have my reservations, but I do enjoy seeing her as my teeth feel so clean and fresh afterwards, and she is really nice, so chatty and sweet. I then rushed back to work, how conscientious am I??? In the evening I was meeting a really good friend (the one who farts in the cinema). Well I had to meet her on Oxford Street as she was doing her Christmas shopping still, rather unorganised I feel to leave it so late. So after she had dragged me round these awful high street stores we went to this place she knows, she sold it to me as an Italian place, but forgot to mention the finer details, me being a bit snobby at times I can understand why. You go in and it is set up like Wagamama, large wooden tables and very basic. I asked where the waiter was, okay so here I was astounded, oh no there aren’t any, you choose which pasta (they did stretch to menus) and which sauce etc you want, are you ready for this…. Then you go up and order from the chef (I use that term in the loosest possible sense I possibly can) and then you wait there for it, I ask you. So my farting friend went and ordered as there was no way on this earth I would endure that horrific process, whilst I sat twiddling my thumbs, well twiddling with my Blackberry if truth be known. When the food came it was okay, pasta a bit overcooked, bit too much sauce, but not worth the process you have to go through to get it.

We then went onto a bar she knew, which had closed down, she is obviously a regular then! So onwards we went to another one she knew. I had agreed to go to a straight bar for a change. So in we went, I went to the bar and ordered the drinks, the barman was an indication of the bar, he was sultry and obviously thought he was cool, why I cannot quite guess as he wasn’t at all good looking, was wearing boring clothes and had no skills that were obvious, so false advertising personified. We then were sitting whilst drinking our drinks, I tried to avoid mine as the wine was clearly a cheap one and rather vinegar like. But on the plus side I was having a good time with my farting friend who is always exceptional company, especially since she got a new beau, its amazing how upbeat a woman can become when she’s getting a bit of the other isn’t it? Then as we were sitting there this really strong smell of bleach hit us, it was overpowering. Why would anyone use bleach in an open bar, what the fuck is wrong with disinfectant that smells nice? Fucking barman must be dumb as well as ugly with no dress sense, no wonder he is in the bloody basement bar the twat. So we practically ran out of the place and went to (I am loathed to admit) Top Man to have a look, I have to categorically state here I was not looking for myself. She was looking for a shirt for her boyfriend, but alas she kept looking at plaid shirts, like he was some member of the Village People, poor guy. She didn’t like my selections (mine being stylish (or as near as you can get to it in Top Man)). Then she dragged me to the trainer section, well I chose these groovy Adidas ones that were cool, even she had to concede that I was correct, as she steered to these things that can only be described as vile, it looked as if when he wore them he would need a Freedom pass. So she didn’t get any for him, I have, subtly (kind of), suggested she give him a make over, or in her words gay him up.

Tuesday I had a half day so had arranged the Rats check up with the Doggie Dr, groomed and checked up in the same week, he was rushing for the phone to call the Child Support Line. I was jolly glad to go though as he received nothing but praise for my little angel, I am sorry but I feel it only fair that I do not deprive you of knowing what she said about him, she said he was better behaved than some of the 3 and 4 year old dogs that she gets, he is a credit to P and I, that he is in perfect health and that he is generally an all round beautiful little baby (I am kind of ad-libbing what she said as those were not the exact words she used but that is what she meant). He took his worming tablet like a good boy and then was weighed, he didn’t even moan when she stuck the thermometer up his bum, poor little boy, he did look a little shocked though.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I had to go to the butcher and queue for half an hour to get the goose and meat for Christmas, then I had to go to my best friends to wrap up P’s presents which took ages as I am completely rubbish at it, before heading to Waitrose to get the fruit and vegetables for tomorrow. It was a complete nightmare there, why are people so rude and demented when you put a shopping trolley in their hands? It was like a episode of Whacky Races, though without Mutley laughing away. I couldn’t believe what it was like, I was very glad to get out of there and head home, before I had to go out again to meet P as we were having dinner out, three guesses where we went??? Yes you got it the Prospect, it was really nice apart from the fact that they had no sirloin so I had Bavette, which was okay but a bit rubbery, it was one of those cuts that its nice to experience, but only once.

And my fine people don’t forget to go and subscribe to BOOM!!!, After listening to the Christmas edition you will be enthused by it and be as addicted as I am to it, go Chuckles go.

As ever I need to say hello to T else along with her moaning about the (f****g C**t) person who went into her car, the general state of the world (all of which she could put right) and all the other rants, raves that I endure each morning I will have the added one of the fact that I didn’t mention her on my blog, along with the hounds from hell. T now has lizards which don’t seem to do much as far as I can tell but lay about doing nothing, a bit like her kids then!!!!! But I still love her(T that is not the lizards) and my life would be like a pencil with no lead without her.

Have a wonderful Christmas, from all of us here, see you next week.