2010 February

Archive for February, 2010

Torture, Eating and Relief

by Matt on Feb.24, 2010, under Blogs

So the snow in blighty has gone, to be replaced by rain, now I ask you why do people enquire as to why I hate this city? But onto brighter and nicer things, this weeks update:

I have been trying to catch up on movies this past week, so a couple of evenings have been spent in a dark room, surrounded by strangers making crunching and slurping noises. No I have not been in dark rooms thank you, I am a happily married man. But sometimes the noise that people make in the movies is really annoying, you go to watch a movie not have a fucking picnic, It makes it quite a feat to actually concentrate on the movie you are trying to watch. But despite that I have rather enjoyed catching up. Okay when I say catching up I do of course mean I have been once in the past week, I just wish I had time to go more often. P has this really annoying habit, I send him an invite and he accepts it, then on the day he goes do we have to go to movies, or I don’t feel like it, or oh movies again, you get the picture (oh the irony), so I get to not only miss out on seeing the movie but also miss out on going with P.

But I have kept up with going to the gym and am doing spin still, at least twice a week, so I am doing rather well, even if I do say so myself. Now the difficulty is to resist the snacks, sweets, crisps and all manner of fattening things I shovel into my mouth as if they were being taken off of the market. So I go to the gym as often as can, was like four times last week. I just figure that I should keep myself in shape at my age, I mean I am now on the downhill path to the grave. Also I am the size of a house, I am so big that a helicopter thought I was a landing pad the other day, I always wanted to go in a helicopter not be under one.

And as if to prove a point…. P & I went out last Thursday evening to the Turkish restaurant that we like, and I keep mentioning, I should get advertising fees. The weather was lousy, raining, now there is a change in London! So when we got there it was nice to sit and chat, we don’t get many opportunities to just sit and talk as both our jobs are quite busy and P has the usual awkward retail rota. Instead of having a main course we got a few of the small starters and had them a bit like tapas, it was really nice and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course the fact that we drank a bottle of wine helped matters, but the atmosphere there is great, they don’t rush you and are attentive without crowding you, I really would recommend you give the place a try, get in touch and I will give you the address etc.

Friday was exceedingly good fun I have to say. I went to meet a friend who showed me around the Members Club Quintessentially Soho, its an amazing place and the history is fascinating, it has its own chapel which is really funky. So after that bit of culture we headed to Friendly Society to have a drink and wait for P to arrive, unfortunately my message that we had left Quintessential and were now in Friendly so he had to walk across Soho to get to us, on the plus side we had more drinking time. So we sat and caught up, chatted, gossiped, a little bitching maybe, I know its hard to believe I could say a bad word about anyone so I left that to our friend!!!! Then we headed to Chine Town (for a change) to eat (yes Chuckles this week is all about the food) we went to the place we usually go for Dim Sum and have to say we had a very delightful meal there, before we headed to a pub in the West End that I have no idea why we chose. We got there and were the youngest people there, in fact it looked as if the youngest other than us was older than the building, maybe they built the pub around him as I doubt he could walk far. So we sat and watched the old men dying, the only younger one was so camp that he made Paul O’Grady look like a muscle Mary, he was flapping his arms so much that he looked like a windmill, should have used him to generate some electricity really. But it was a jolly good evening I have to say, well I don’t have to obviously but I want to, so there I have said it.

Saturday was jolly good as well, well after I had half killed myself at the torture chamber we had

to head to the deepest darkest depths of West London or as it is also called, Ealing Broadway, we headed there with the Tranny, who looked rather divine I have to say (I have to or else she will bitch and moan, and sound like a rather effeminate version of me). Why the hell were you guys going there I hear you yell and scream, its simple, well it is if you know the answer, we were going to watch that Sport relief (is it me or does that sound filthy) Lets Dance. We

met Buzzy there who was so eager (eager beaver ha ha ha) to see me (her hero) that she was there extra early and sitting in Starbucks drinking a Nut latte and munching on a fish finger. Off we trotted (well Buzzy did as she is that much shorter than the rest of us) to the Ealing Studios. We got to our seats and settled in, Buzzy was Buzzing as if she had her ‘toy;’ with her but guess that was the excitement of seeing me, poor deluded girl still thinks I am straight, I am far too masculine for my own good. I have to say that the show was jolly good and very amusing, not sure if you caught it on Saturday but it is well worth a watch, but then with my hate of television I doubt I will watch it in future weeks

Far too busy don’t you know.

After the show we headed off up the street, the Buzzer and Tranny were marching, well Tranny

marching and buzzing hopping and skipping to keep up, whilst I and Little P went on behind them, they were seeking food as if there was an impending

famine! They were so intent, and gossiping too much like two old woman that they hadn’t noticed that little P had sopped and was looking at a restaurant menu, and boy did he do well. It was an Italian place and was great, it was quite small (though not so small that Tranny and Buzzy would miss it had they not been hurtling up the road) and very friendly, the food was amazing and the wine was lovely too. We had a jolly good time there and chatted whilst we ate. It was a very nice way to round off a good evening so all was fine and well. And well done P for finding the place, I will be going back.

Have you been chair dancing to BOOM!? Have you had Chuckles in your ear? Have you been finding

yourself jigging whilst on the tube? If the answer to any or all these is yes then you have had a good experience. If the answer is no then you need to go to iTunes podcasts and subscribe to BOOM! You also need to get your camera, phone ort whatever out and take a picture of you holding a sign declaring you listen to BOOM!, do that now please.

A big hello as usual to T, who was too miserable to come on Saturday.

Love and peace to you all.

Carr, Tits and Buzzing About Town

by Matt on Feb.17, 2010, under Blogs

This week I would like to start off by saying how saddened I am by the death of Lee McQueen. The man was a inspiration to creativity whose imagination and ideas were cutting edge and he was a true leader in creativity and allowing his ideas to manifest into amazing clothes, and shows. He inspired a whole generation of designers and introduced trends that became mainstay of fashion. He will be sorely missed, there is no one to fill his Doctor Martens.

And so, onto the usual blog………

You will be pleased to hear that after the whole fiasco with the boiler last week it is now working again, though I still dumbfounded as to how it took so long to get repaired, but we are overjoyed that we once again have hot water. it is amazing how we take things for granted and then really miss them when they are not there.

Last Wednesday evening I went to see the Alan Carr, Chatty Man (a pun on batty man one can only presume, though not really that amusing as a tad too obvious really) with some friends (Buzzy, T & Tranny). It was the first outing of Trannys new tits so they were rather happy to be getting some air, though it was snowing heavily, whether that was the heavens joining in the welcoming I am not

sure. Buzzy had a new haircut and I have to say it looked rather nice and sexy, if I were straight I certainly would, thank the lord I am not then! We did meet outside the toilets and she behaved herself and didn’t dribble at the sight of men rushing into a doorway with hands on their fly’s, great restraint I felt. T looked her usual delectable self and very scrumptious, again if I were but am not. The show was rather good, like all those shows was ups and downs. Tranny and Buzzy were rather distracted by a couple of the camera men and spent a proportion of the time leaching and watching the behind the camera action! The guests were two people from a soap, which was okay not overly interesting really. Nicholas Hoult was on who is in the new Tom Ford movie and he was quite entertaining, well lets face facts looking at him is not exactly sore on the eyes is it now. Finally, Mika was on, oh how hot he looked, he sang live of course and was amazing, though I am convinced he has been taking dancing lessons as he was dancing rather more properly then he use to, before he was like a drunken, high gangling lizard on a very hot griddle.

After the show there was the usual discussion about what and where to eat, T is a veggie, bloody rabbit food eater, Buzzy cant eat nuts (except the male variety) or fish, as she reminds me constantly (I wish she would eat one as really want to see what happens), and Tranny will eat anything, preferably bodily fluids though. So we settled on Pizza Express, oh the glamour of it all, how I manage to avoid the paparazzi going to such high class establishments I really cannot fathom. A good evening it was though.

Last week must have been Buzzys dream week, a rather wet and electric dream I would ponder, as

she got to see me twice (would have been three times but she let us down at the last minute last Saturday, lazy mare, was probably exhausted fantasising about me!!!!!) as on the Friday, yes less than twenty four hours later (lucky bitch) we met up again and went to the movies, after which P met us and we went to China Town (well we felt like a change of scenery and we hardly ever eat Chinese!) for something to eat. I must say we had a lovely time and it was really good to sit and actually chat with the lovely wee lady, oh and Buzzy

Saturday P was off of work. I wanted to go to the Evisu sample sale that was on ( I wanted new jeans) so off we went to the West End, of course we had to look in a couple of his favourite High

Street stores on the way, so after that we went to Evisu. I was a little disappointed as could only find one pair of jeans that I liked – bad times, but P found me a great light jacket and a T shirt as well as a jumper, we also found a shirt for him – good times. So it turned out not to be a complete waste of a journey. We then went back to China Town (are you noticing a pattern here?) and had Dim Sum which was rather delightful. We had a window table, that’s a table next to a window not a table made from a window, so I could sit and people watch, which was cool (there’s Debbie Poon, there’s Debbie Poon, there’s Debbie Poon, there’s Debbie Poon).

Sunday, the day of rest, well not for P as he was at work. But I had an old (in both senses of the word) friend round, I hadn’t seen him for ages as he has a new job and says that he is really busy, really lazy s my opinion. But it was, as it always is, good to chill with him as he is very entertaining and rather intelligent (not that I would say that to his face of course) so you can have a really good conversation with him. He brought the Rat a toy which the Rat then went ahead and destroyed, but it kept him quiet for a few hours which was greatly appreciated. It was Valentines day so P cooked a great meal in the evening. The downside was that I had to go to Waitrose to get the food, I really shouldn’t be in those food shops alone, ‘Steak and veggie is all we need’ that’s what p said, I came out with ninety three pounds worth of shopping and I had to endure the crowds, the rude people and the whole food shop thing that I loath, I hate the places. I don’t mind too much if P is there as he pushes the trolley and I can just wander around picking up things I like, but when you have to carry it all, balance it in the basket thing and then the whole queuing and paying whilst packing ritual is just too stressful for me, hate it.

I have again been going to Spin at the Torture chamber and yes I am still hating it and dreading going, but I think it is beginning to pay dividends as a few people have said I look healthier and less, well fat. So I will persevere and continue to suffer endure the hardship in the hope that it may actually pay off in the long run. I really should be a saint by now.

As usual its a hello to T, she does get upset if I don’t mention herm, and I really don’t think there are enough paracetomol in the world to cure the headache of her moaning and whining her way through our walking of her dogs and my baby. So hello, howdy and a dandy yahoo to her. There that’s done for the week.

Wow, how hot was this weeks BOOM!, its was kicking, it rocked. I had it in my ears on the way to work this morning and must have looked a twat as was trying my best not to jig and dance to it. How Chuckles the Frisbee manages to keep topping the previous ones is beyond me, a true legend. If you have not yet subscribed what the hell are you waiting for go to iTunes and subscribe, or go via www.bohica2k.com and follow his link. Go now.

See you next week all, was a delight to chat as always.

Spin, Crap Boilers & BOOM!

by Matt on Feb.10, 2010, under Blogs

Hello all, how has your week been then? Hope its been fine and dandy.

So this week I have been making a concerted, though most would say a little late, effort to lose some of the masses of excess fat that I have, I have done this by watching what I eat. When I say

watching what I eat what I mean is that I look art food dribbling but don’t allow myself to buy any and put in cupboards to snack on later. I also if I do buy something don’t get a couple of extra ones ‘just in case’. I have also gone to the torture chamber more, well once would be more but I have been like three times, what a twat I am. I have been doing spin, which for those who don’t know is not some sexual position (unfortunately) but when this manic person, usually a female (go figure) shouts incoherently and you all cycle on the bikes with no wheels, its quite hard work despite my scant description. The only problem is that where you are on and off the saddle all the time it really does give you a sore butt (I have heard all the comments, and yes its the usual pain with out the fun attached). But it seems to be working as I seem to, far too, slowly be losing weight. I also am trying to cut as much wheat out of my diet as I possible can. So why I constantly ask myself am I still as fat as a house.

We have had major issues with our boiler at home, its led me to re-enforce my opinion that a vast majority of repairmen in Britain are bloody useless, incompetent and in adept fools who couldn’t fix a plug. So it started last week, the boiler stopped working, J called the emergency number who said someone would be round in the morning. Like hell did they turn up, when our friends chased it they said they had no record of the call from the night before, the twats. So they told my friend they would come the next day, like a fool he accepted this, once he told me I didn’t! So I phoned the boiler company and after I diplomatically pointed out the errors of their ways they agreed that they could have an engineer there that day, funny that right? When he got there he said the error code it was showing means the fan has gone, so he changed it. Oh the delight that evening the luxury of running hot water from taps (faucet if you’re a yank)…..

Then two days later the fucking useless thing piece of crap went again, so yet again J (he somehow got the idea that I would piss the operator off and not be calm, no idea why he would think that) called the emergency helpline (now there’s a contradiction in terms) and they said, after some persuading, and background shouting (must have been Milo!), they said they would come out the next day, which was yesterday. And indeed they did, I am told they changed the circuit board and stripped the boiler down only to discover it was the fan again, they think. They took all day to find that out, I mean it was the same error code both times so heaven forbid it might actually be the same problem, the dumb idiotic fools, how thick can you be, I ask you. So apparently they have to get the part and will fix it, again, today, its only taken them over a week, imbeciles.

Friday saw me taking the little rat to the Doggie Doctor for his check up. As no one will be

surprised he is in perfect health. This is despite me worrying the: he is to thin (no he is the perfect shape), his tooth is chipped should I take him to the dentist (no it is a small chip, the enamel has not gone so just keep an eye on it, he does not need a gold tooth whatsoever), his beard isn’t long enough (that’s because you have it trimmed at the groomers and only show dogs have them long as they get too messy), he sleeps a lot (he is a dog that’s what they do), do you think that he is under weight (no, he is the perfect weight for his size and breed), is he definitely a schnauzer as his fur isn’t grey (he is definitely a schnauzer and a pedigree and his fur is a good colour, not all dogs have a uniformed colour, he also is still young so will change colour as gets older), he cries a lot (that’s because you spoil him, pick him up and give him what he wants when he cries, he is the smart one!!!). So that was a good visit then, assuaged my worries for another couple of months.

Saturday I was at the salon which as ever was cool, I compiled most of the latest newsletter as well as sorting out all the silly Blackberry and sync issues they had, you need to plug it in and push sync! Then I went home and got changed as P & I decided to go to the floating Chinese restaurant that there is in Docklands (okay its more like Isle of Dogs really, well the clientele seemed to be). We went there once before, but that was for dim sum, and rather enjoyed it. This time we were met by this waiter with all the manners of a troll, to add insult he had badly dyed (you know when you highlight your hair and don’t leave it for the correct amount of time and it goes off colour, in this case yellow!!!), far too much gel, no style, it was just swept back. He has teeth that were uneven, cheap ill fitting trousers and nasty shoes with a waistcoat 2 sizes to big for his insect like body, al in all he looked like one of the rat villains in a Disney movie version of Oliver. But when we were sat down we got a nice waitress (who I will not pick to pieces) and J ordered some nice food (yes Chuckles eating again). So all in all it was a nice evening.

Sunday was a jolly nice day. After I had taken that rat out for his walk, well run and play and generally get as dirty as is possible in the time he has. But after that we headed into the West End

(central London for those who are not familiar with the local terminology, or just to plain thick to understand), as J wanted to look round some shops, we have such different taste in shops, he wanted to go in Hennes, Top Man etc, so I walked round with him, wondering why people like these clothes. But P got a few bits that he liked sop that was good, and OMG guess what I found, there was this packet of sweets so with no interest in the clothes I picked them up, and went flying back to my childhood (what a good memory I have) as this packet had Fruit Salad and Black jacks in it, I of

course had to get some. After this we headed to Soho as I had seen a fish and chip (don’t you love fish and chips? it is by far one of my favourite meals, easily pleased I am, well not really as I am not all that keen on the chips and the batter has to be just right for me to like it) shop that I wanted to try, and aghast I still am as we both really liked it, definitely one to go to again. We then headed to Crumpler as I wanted a new bag, I have a thing for bags. We spent ages dismantling a load, trying them for space, how big were they, how small, all over a bag, in the end I chose one as I liked the colour of the lining!!!!!

Tonight I am off with some divine friends (T, Tranny, Martini and Buzzy) to see a TV show so you will hear all about that next week. I have arranged to met Buzzy outside the men’s toilet at Waterloo in the hope that she will find a man, desperate should she is, in aiding this I have suggested she have no knickers on, a sign saying 70% off and looking desperate, her every day look then, if she disappears into a cubicle with some random guy you know why. At least she will save on batteries.

Saw T at the weekend when she was walking the rabble she kindly calls dogs, and that was a wonderful experience as ever, she is loving her new found fame as star, well lets face it minor co-star of this legendary blog, so lets mention her a bit more if she would get off her ass and come out more often.

Now then BOOM!!!! I was listening to the latest instalment today on the tube, jigging away like

Christopher Walken in the Fat Boy Slim video (Okay so I had a suit on the similarity ends there), and it was captivating, I hope you are all listening. At

the moment the Chuckles guy is running a competition where you have to get a photo of people saying ‘I listen to BOOM! or something like that and send it in, I am doing it to appease him, as he is fantastic. Here is an example for you to see, so please all send me your one and I will send it to Chuckles, I implore and beseech you to send me one please. And more to the point subscribe.

I am out of here.

Torture, Walking & BOOM!

by Matt on Feb.03, 2010, under Blogs

Here we are again, we meet again, hello, welcome to this weeks blog, very good to see you here indeed.

Last Thursday was rather delightful as P & I went with the tranny to the Thai cafe that we know. It

was a good evening with the food being as good as ever. At one point I said to the waitress that the tranny was my mum, to which the waitress screeched ‘your mum’ and walked away laughing, so much for naive old ladies!!! Then the tranny decided that she liked one of the kitchen guys so proceeded to terrorise him, well I call it terrorise, she calls it flirting. Its a bit like saying that Simon Cowell has a little bit of a styling issue! So all in all we had a splendid evening, especially as a proportion of it was talking about the trannys new tits that she is going to have fitted, delightful over dinner conversation.

Saturday morning saw me peddling my way to the torture chamber, otherwise known as the gym. Why is it that when you go to a gym the person on reception always says ‘have a good/nice/whatever workout’ are they crazy, demented, delusional or all of the above? I mean how can anyone enjoy going to the gym where you torture yourself or a trainer tortures you. I personally loathe the place but what am I to do, if I don’t go I become an even fatter pig like being than I already am, and that would mean having the doors at home made bigger. In fact the only thing that makes the place tolerable is BOOM!, I love getting on the treadmill and listening to the tracks that Chuckles plays and his banter (that’s what he calls it, whittering in my ear I cal it), its really motivating and the only problem I find is nearly falling off the equipment as I attempt to jig along to the music.

Our best friend had been away last week so the little Rat had not had a long walk for a large part of the week, he had just had his little ones in the morning and evening. So Saturday afternoon I

decided to take him on a long walk up the canal, which is a walk that he enjoys, well lets face facts he enjoys any walk where he can play with other dogs, walk off the lead sticking his nose in every nook and cranny and generally making a nuisance of himself. So Milo and I walked all the way up the canal to Victoria Park, which I wanted to walk past and go in on the way back, Milo however had another idea altogether so went running into the park to play with another dog. Its amazing hoe when he is playing it seems to render him deaf as he doesn’t hear me calling, doesn’t affect his eyesight and sense of smell though as the second I get a treat out of my pocket there he is in front of me sitting waiting for the treat! I hadn’t had breakfast so by this point was a little hungry (okay being a fat git I was a lot hungry), so onwards I walked and he trotted, ran and bounded. Unfortunately by the time we got there all the stalls etc were closing so I traipsed all up the place for nothing as couldn’t find anything at all to eat, good for my diet, bad for my hunger. So we started to head back. But on the plus side at least Milo had a good run out and enjoyed himself, as he told me repeatedly on the way home.

I was back at the torture chamber on Sunday morning as I moaned and groaned my way through a workout, swearing and cursing like a mad old drunk. Probably looked a lot like one as well. Still as I say if I will stuff my face as if I am in a pie eating competition determined to win the prize then I must face the consequences!!!

In the afternoon my very good, but hung-over, friend came over for the afternoon as we had planned. I ask you this, if you are going to see a friend on a Sunday do you really go out drinking on a Saturday night knowing that you are a light weight who suffers from hangovers? No is the answer

by the way. This is especially true if the friend you are going to visit will not show any regard for your sore, and self inflicted, head, who will rather enjoy mentioning the fact that its all your fault and that you shouldn’t go out when have appointments at every given opportunity. But nonetheless I do agree that it was really good to see her and catch up, we also watched a really good DVD as well, let me clarify that I watched it whilst she lazed around complaining about her hangover, ironically that was the movie as well. After that P got back we were supposed to go to cinema but our hung-over and debauched friend said she wasn’t up to it so instead we went for dinner (where she managed to drink more wine) at the Prospect, which as you all know I like, especially the onion rings, they are so delicious.

Yesterday I had to leave work early as our best friend had some minor surgery done and needed to be picked up. So I went to the most confusing hospital in the world, St Bartholomew’s, to be sent round 2 different wards, in two different buildings to find him. I then sat with him until he was allowed to go, got him into a taxi and got him home where I looked after him, which is highly unlike me as I tend to sit there demanding, rather like a bloated oaf, coffee and stuff. I am sure that my Karma is now fully loaded for a good life!!!!!

BOOM! was absolutely amazing this week, its always awesome but Chuckles Frisbee excelled himself this week. He has this new competition you can all take part in, you need to take a picture of yourself with a bit of paper or something in your hand saying ‘I listen to Boom!’ and send it to me. So get those pictures taken and send them please, you all know the email address. But listen to the amazingly jig worthy BOOM! as well.

I have only seen T briefly this week. At the weekend on Saturday I was late taking Milo out and on

Sunday she was hung-over (seemed rather rampant that day want it) so she was lazing about in bed when she should have been walking her dogs, poor little Milo missed her. And then last night I was out walking him when guess who walked past me and ignored me, I mean ignoring the best friend who is also a delight and a wonder to behold, sod the Archbishop of Canterbury when you can have an audience with me. Yes it was T, marching on the path, she had been to see the trannys tits, I ask you.

So everyone nice to see you as it always is, don’t forget to listen and subscribe to BOOM! and to send the pictures to me, see you next week, I will long for you in the meantime.

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